(Not THAT Kind of) Doctor Lobel Cures Horrible Performance, Part of PAPER STages, a project by Forest fringe

review from Exeunt here.

Paper Stages books still available here.

full text:

The morning after my PhD defence, I was waiting for a train from Victoria Station when that rare, but not imaginary, request came from over the loud speaker.  “If there is a Doctor or Nurse in the Station, will they please come quickly to Gate 15”.  Dr. Brian Lobel.  Doctor of Philosophy. In the subject of Drama and Contemporary Performance.  24 hours after gaining a new title, I’m already bristling with ineptitude. These skills that I’ve gained, what can they heal?  The time I spent in libraries, composing journal articles, what is it all for? As a woman in a beige suit runs past me and towards Gate 15, the pride I had in my accomplishments, the pride my parents and mentors held, and the drinks from the previous night’s celebrations seemed to mock me.  Doctor... of Philosophy Brian Lobel. 


If you’re reading this in August, in Edinburgh, more likely than not, you’ve been exposed to some pretty horrible performance. Although seemingly innocuous, these performances can, in fact, be bad for your health.  Put another way, with every horrible show, a bit of our soul slowly dies. Our patience — like a skeletal system in someone with osteoporosis — grows shorter and shorter. Our humanity — like an appendix before rupture — teeters precariously on the edge of explosion. And our desire to see performance again, ever — like cartilage in the knee of a pro-footballer — disappears.  

These problems need not, however, become fatal (or even chronic) conditions.

For “(Not THAT Kind of) Doctor Lobel Cures Horrible Performance” I am committing to make my performance analysis skills useful by diagnosing and treating audience members who experience Horrible Performance.  Because I’m not in Edinburgh, it will unfortunately need to be an online consultation, but I can promise that my prescriptions will be more accurate that those received from WebMD.  I have committed to respond to your queries within 24 hours of receipt especially as, with much bad performance, untreated audience response to Horrible Performance can be fatal.  

Email (Not THAT Kind of) Doctor Lobel at NotTHATKindofDoctorLobel@gmail.com with the following.

Your Name:
City of Birth: 
Current City of Residence:
Name, Date and Location of Horrible Show:
The Duration of Horrible Show:
The Subject of the Horrible Show:
The Most Horrible Aspect of The Horrible Show:
How You Are Feeling After The Horrible Show:

(Not THAT Kind of) Doctor Lobel Cures Horrible Performance will get you tip-top, ship-shape and ready to face the world of performance once again.*
*(As with any kind medical intervention, results may vary and cannot be guaranteed.)